let the sea take me for a spiller
by boasamishipper
Summary: A miscarriage and its aftereffects on the crew of the Waterbender. Pre-Sea of Chains, Anchorverse auception. Belated birthday gift for Kuno-chan.


 **Summary** : A miscarriage and its aftereffects on the crew of the Waterbender. Pre-Sea of Chains, Anchorverse auception. Belated birthday gift for Kuno-chan.

 **Disclaimer** : The title comes from a line in "The Lost Baby Poem" by Lucille Clifton. I do not own The Legend of Korra, nor do I own the Anchor 'verse or any of its auceptions—those belong to Bryke, words-with-dragons and Kuno-chan. I'm just playing, with love and respect to those who brought these characters to life.

* * *

It happens in a single moment on a single morning when they're in the middle of the Amaterasu Sea.

Kai's leaning against the starboard railing with Skoochy, both of them relishing their morning cigarettes and trying to ward off the nightmares that keep plaguing them after so many years. The day is warm, the waves lap gently around the ship, and he can taste the salt in the air. He can never be truly relaxed—too much time on the streets and in Gunthra's orphanage and his current occupation has taught him that he can never one hundred percent let his guard down—but this is as close to relaxation as he can get.

When Jinora's strangled yell shatters the sky, Kai nearly falls over himself in his haste to find her. The distance between them on the deck has never seemed so far, and it feels as though he is wading through a sea of molasses. He nearly pulls out his sword to fight whatever seems to be ailing her but then he sees how Pabu and Imaru are holding her up, how her knees are shaking, how her hands have cradled around her stomach protectively, how her jaw and eyes are set in pain.

He sees blood beginning to stain her skirt.

"Love, hey, look at me," Kai says, taking most of her weight from Pabu. He strokes her face in what he hopes is a calming manner but his mind is currently running around inside of his head screaming _doomed, you're doomed!_ Damn it, he hasn't felt this terrified in what feels like eons. "Jin, it'll be okay, just stay with me, please." To Appa, who has run over with Skoochy and Momo, he snaps, "Get Longshot."

Jinora suddenly crumples and he barely manages to catch her. With Imaru's help, they lay her on the deck gently. He can't tell if she's breathing and for a horrible, horrible second, he thinks that she's died and left him all alone, but then he feels for her pulse. It's still there: thready, weak, but still there. He nearly faints from relief, but she's unconscious and bleeding and Qilaq, Kuruk and Meishenme, he can't lose her. He can't.

Longshot runs up to the deck with his first aid kit, followed by Yung, Daw, and Tyyo. He skids on his knees over to Kai and Jinora, and his brows crease together in something that Kai can't quite identify before a swear word escapes his lips. Longshot rarely ever swears. This can't be good. "Well?" Kai snaps.

"We need to get her below decks, make her comfortable—"

Kai chokes on his own breath and spit. He's losing her, no no no, his blood is pounding in his ears. "S-she's d-d-dying?" _Please no._

"No. She'll be fine. But we need to get her to the infirmary _now_." It's not a request, it's an order, and Kai, Yung, Appa and Imaru immediately lift Jinora as carefully as they can and follow Longshot below deck and into the infirmary.

Jinora's starting to stir now, and she locks eyes with Kai as they lay her down on a cot and Longshot starts rummaging in his cabinets for where he keeps his medical textbooks. "The baby," she gasps. She's speaking so softly that he is the only one that can hear her. "Kai, the baby—"

Shit. The baby. He's been so focused on Jinora that he's forgotten about the baby. "The baby will be okay, Jin, everything will be okay," he says soothingly. "I promise. It'll all work out. Please, just stay with me."

Longshot turns around with a twisted grimace on his face, and Jinora tries to sit up but Yung and Kai gently push her back down. "How long have you been bleeding, Jinora?"

"Since this morning," she whispers, and how could Kai not have seen it? Why hadn't she told him? "I…I didn't know why, and I thought that maybe it…I don't know what I thought. I was going to come and see you and…and Zedd told me he thought you were up on deck. So I went up to find you and then…then I collapsed."

"How heavy is it? Have you been experiencing cramps?"

"Not…not too heavy," Jinora says, her forehead furrowing in pain as she adjusts her position on the cot. Yung helps her the rest of the way. "And I've had cramps the last few days."

He can't take it anymore. "So what does that mean?" he snaps. "What does that mean for her? For us? For the baby?" He ignores the gasps from the rest of the crew (they didn't know, he remembers, they were going to tell them in the next week or so). He's buried enough people for a lifetime. He doesn't think he can handle losing anyone else, especially not Jinora. Not their baby either.

Longshot's eyes well up. "It means…it means that Jinora is in the process of miscarrying."

For a single heartbeat, Kai forgets how to breathe. Crazily, he's tempted to ask if Longshot is just joking.

The beat after is when everything reappears around him and comes crashing down upon his heart, which breaks into pieces at his feet.

The entire world has fallen out of orbit; it spins with dizzying speed, and Kai wraps his arms around his stomach tightly to suppress the nausea welling up inside of him. He can't hear Jinora's sharp intake of breath. He can't see Momo crying on Pabu's shoulder. He can't feel Yung's hand on his shoulder in a calming gesture. The medic's news just washes over him like an unwanted rainfall.

It's bad. They're going to lose their child.

The sound of Jinora's soft crying kicks him back into gear. He takes her hand somewhat robotically in his. "Please." He can't even recognize the sound of his own voice. "There has to be something you can do. Something. Anything. Save the baby, Longshot. Save our baby."

"I…" Now the tears that have been welling up in the medic's eyes spill down his cheeks. "I can't, Kai. Even if we were in a real hospital, we don't have the technology to save your baby. It's…it's too premature. There's no way to save it."

"Her," Jinora says weakly from her cot. Pieces of Kai's heart flake off a little more. "The baby is a girl. I know it. I can feel it. Our baby is a girl."

"There's no way to save her," Longshot whispers. "I'm sorry, captain. If there was anything I could do, then I would. I swear I would. But there's nothing that can be done. Jinora, there are…there are options. I…I have medicine, or you can…"

"Will the medicine hurt her?" Momo asks just when Yung asks, "Are you going to induce labor?" Kai's glad that they're talking. He can't now. Neither can Jinora. They're both stunned, speechless, because less than a week ago they had been celebrating their imminent parenthood and now they're going to lose their child. Their little girl. Spirits, they hadn't even discussed baby names.

Longshot answers their questions with the air of someone who has just witnessed a horrible accident. "No, Momo, it won't, and yes, in order to get the baby out of Jinora and reduce the pain and cramps that she's currently feeling, I have…" He swallows. "We have to induce labor."

When Kai had been a child, alone on the streets of Omashu, he'd witnessed a woman give birth with the help of two other women and another man while two APA officers just stood on and looked bored and smoked their cigarettes. He had tried his best to help by bringing water and tearing off scraps of his shirt to mop up the woman's sweat. Despite everyone's best intentions the baby had come out blue, and he could never forget the woman's wails as she shook her child, too tiny to die, too tiny to live.

Now he has to witness it again.

Jinora's gone pale, and she's shaking. "I'll take the medicine," she mumbles, averting her eyes from Longshot and Kai and the others. Kai hasn't let go of her hand and doesn't plan to anytime soon.

Longshot nods. "Okay. Kai," for a split second the medic seems to wonder if he should ask Kai to leave and decides against it, "you can stay. Yung, you too. Everyone else, please leave. Wait outside."

Everyone slowly trickles out of the infirmary, but not before giving Jinora a reassuring pat on the back or a squeeze of the hand. Momo looks ready to jump on her and hug her, but refrains when Pabu places a steadying hand on his shoulder. Eventually, it's just Kai, Jinora, Yung and Longshot in the infirmary, and Kai can't think of a worse way to spend their morning. Longshot is scurrying around looking for misoprostol, which they normally use for ulcers but it apparently also starts uterine contractions and jumpstarts labor.

"Kai." He startles out of his thoughts and looks at Jinora, who's on the verge of tears. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"

"It's okay," he says. His words are as true as they are automatic. "Please Jinora, don't blame yourself, please. It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. These things…they just happen." Especially to him, it seems. Why is it that whenever he experiences a brief moment of happiness, something bad happens to him again? He'd finally begun to think that now that Tenzin liked him, everything would be great, but no. Now they're going to lose their baby.

Longshot returns with the misoprostol and a glass of water, which Jinora takes after again being assured that it won't hurt. "Now what?"

"Now," Yung says gently, standing next to Jinora and stroking her hair, "we wait."

It takes an hour for Jinora to go into labor, and another hour to give birth to their child, who is no bigger than a large berry. Tears have been pricking his eyes ever since Jinora had fainted up on deck, and now they trail down his cheeks unbidden. He doesn't even care that Longshot and Yung are watching him, he just cries. He and Jinora hug each other and weep, and Yung speaks quietly to Longshot, who has placed their baby in a shoebox. They decide to give her a proper sea burial later today, once Jinora has rested more and they're all cried out.

They need to grieve. Kai has told Yung to tell Otaku to cancel their trip to En-An—they won't be able to trade and establish new relations and generally enjoy themselves while they're grieving the loss of his and Jinora's baby.

"Kai," Jinora finally says through hiccoughs. She looks wan and her eyes are bloodshot. "I think we should name our—our baby. Before we bury her. I want—I want to call her M-Myuna."

Myuna. A name that means 'clear water' in the old languages. Kai has no objections for that and tells Jinora so. "Myuna," he repeats softly, and a few more tears trickle down his cheeks because damn it, seven more months and he could have been a father. He could've watched Myuna grow up. He and Jinora could've taught her to speak, to walk, to swordfight when it came down to it. Yung would've been her grandfather. He could've bought her presents. Her uncles could have doted over her. And she would have been loved. She would have been so loved. But her life had been snuffed out before it could even begin. Why had that been? Why did little Myuna not deserve to live? Why do he and Jinora not deserve to be parents?

Yung finally turns back to them, tears in his own eyes. "We're…we should…we should b-bury her. Now. A sea burial. Otherwise she'll…"

"Wait." Jinora's voice is hoarse. "Please wait. Just—just let me hold her. Please."

After exchanging a glance with Longshot, Yung gives Jinora the shoebox with her baby inside of it. Jinora cradles it in her arms, whispering words that Kai can't quite make out, although he's pretty sure that his girlfriend is apologizing again and it breaks his heart because it's not her fault, damn it. Eventually Jinora hands the shoebox to Kai, who takes it.

"I'm so sorry," he says, his voice loud in the stillness of the infirmary. The room stinks of blood and sweat and amniotic fluid and it makes him want to vomit. "I'm sorry, baby. I wish you could have lived."

* * *

They hold the funeral later that day. Everyone is gathered on deck, and all of them have different levels of sadness hanging over them. It's as though a black cloud has passed over the _Waterbender_ and its crew. Yung, Kai and Jinora are sitting in a rowboat in the middle of the ocean. It's a calm, clear day with blue skies. Kai wishes that it was raining to match their moods.

"For those who trust in Raava," Yung begins, "in the pain of sorrow there is consolation, in the face of despair there is hope, in the midst of death there is life."

Kai holds Jinora's hand. They are each other's anchors.

"Kai and Jinora, we mourn the death of your child. Myuna was gone before she could truly live her life. She would have been beautiful and smart and kind and brave like her mother and father." Yung clasps his hands together. "Raava, please grant that the life which was only beginning here reach its maturity in the Spirit World. We place Myuna in your hands and ask strength, for healing and for love."

After a nod from Yung, Jinora chokes down a sob and presses her lips to the box in her lap. They have moved Myuna out of a shoebox and she now rests in a decorative box that they had bought in Ba Sing Se months ago. "Goodbye, Myuna," she murmurs. "I'll always love you."

Kai goes next. "I love you, Myuna," he says, tears staining his voice.

 _I'm so sorry, baby girl. I'm so sorry._

* * *

He can't sleep that night, so he leaves Jinora in bed alone and goes up to the deck to think for a little bit. Skoochy's on duty tonight, but Kai doesn't want his friend's company. He just wants to be alone.

He feels the cold night breeze assaulting his body. He doesn't shiver.

He sees the night view stretching before him. Stars are sprinkled in the darkness like salt spilled on a tablecloth.

There's an unlit cigarette dangling from his fingers; he doesn't bother to light it.

And that is all that there is.

* * *

He and Jinora don't speak to each other for the first few days following her miscarriage.

Not that he doesn't want to speak with her. He does; she's his girlfriend (Spirits that sounds so incredibly juvenile and doesn't even _begin_ to encompass what she means to him) and she's grieving—they're both grieving—and he cares more about her happiness than his own and he wants nothing more than for her to be okay. However, it seems that the only thing she needs right now is space, and he gives it to her.

Finally Jinora approaches him on deck one afternoon when he's sitting on a bench and watching the clouds go by and thinking about Myuna, if her box had sank to the bottom of the ocean, if she'd been able to think yet, what she would have looked like as a young adult, etcetera. These thoughts have been plaguing him ever since they'd given Myuna a sea burial. Would he have even been a good father? Would he have turned out just like his own father? Spirits, maybe it's a sign. Maybe he's just not meant to be a father.

"Kai." Trying not to look too eager that Jinora's speaking to him at last, Kai whirls around and makes room for her to sit. She does. "I'm sorry," she begins, "for ignoring you these last few days, I just—I needed to think and I needed to…I can't explain it, but it wasn't fair for me to do that."

"Grieving isn't a bad thing," Kai says, looking out at the horizon. He's lost track of the tears he's shed in private over the last few days. "It isn't, Jin. I'm not mad at you, I promise. I've been grieving too."

Jinora hiccoughs, and her hand reaches for his. He takes it, relishing the feeling that's rushing through his chest and veins. He loves her. He loves her so much. He would do anything for her, anything to make the sadness inside of her go away, and it's slowly killing him from the inside that he can't do anything to fix it. "I feel like such a failure," she whispers. "I-it was all my fault, Kai. I should've been more careful, I should've watched what I ate and what I did, I should've—Spirits, Myuna's dead because of me, Kai. It's my fault."

He immediately envelopes her in a hug, saying no, it isn't her fault over and over and over because is this what she's been holding onto these last few days? His own guilt is driving him crazy, but even he knows that it isn't really his fault. She'd been the one to carry Myuna. _No wonder she feels guilty. Oh Jin…_ "It's not your fault, Jinora."

"Yes it is," she hisses. "I carried her, Kai. I am—was—am her mother and it's my damn job and I couldn't even do that! It's my fault, Kai. I can't…maybe it's a sign. Maybe I'm not meant to be a mother." And with that, the tears that she's been holding back are released and Kai takes her in his arms again. "Oh, Kai, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

He has the feeling she's not really apologizing to him but rather to Myuna. He accepts it anyways. "It's alright, Jinora, I promise. You have nothing to feel guilty for. I don't blame you for anything."

She looks up then, brows furrowed. Her cheeks are red and splotchy. "Do you…do you blame yourself, Kai?" He doesn't answer. Apparently that's telling enough. "Oh, Kai. Kai no, you shouldn't—you have nothing to blame yourself for, Kai. If I can't blame myself than neither can you."

"I know that, Jin," he replies, trying to figure out how to explain the conflicting feelings smashing into each other in his head. "I know."

"Kai." Her voice is impossibly soft. "Why do you blame yourself?"

His throat constricts and his palms are sweating. He notices then just how quiet the rest of the deck is and realizes that everyone's probably gone below decks to let him have this moment with Jinora. "I got you pregnant," he whispers. "…and if I hadn't then Myuna wouldn't have been conceived and then none of this would have happened and you…and we wouldn't be sad now."

"Kai…" Jinora squeezes his hand, wiping her tears from her eyes with one hand. Kai does the same to his teary eyes. "I…listen. We can blame ourselves all we want for Myuna—I know I will—but it won't change anything in the long run. I—I've realized that now, and I know I can't articulate this well but—"

"No," he answers, his throat dry, "you're right."

He'll probably blame himself until the end of time but he can't dwell on it forever. He needs to move on. They all do.

There's a pause, and then she says, "I love you." It comes out shaky but true.

His response comes without hesitation. "I love you too."

They will move on from this. They will.

* * *

It turns out that moving on is actually easier in theory.

(Especially when both of them still blame themselves.)

They dock in En-An two weeks after Jinora miscarries because they need to stock up on supplies. While Lefty, Daw and Yung go to buy food, Longshot goes to buy more medicine, Imaru and Appa go to trade and Momo and Pabu go sightseeing, Jinora and Kai wander around the marketplace, admiring the shops and a troupe of dancers dressed in red and waving gold tambourines around as they move. When they get to a jewelry stand, there's a pregnant woman behind the cash register and both of them stand stock still.

"Can I help you?" the woman says, tilting her head in curiosity. She seems nice but Kai's too focused on her stomach. She seems to notice where their attention is at and giggles awkwardly. "Oh. Uh, I'm about five months along now. Third child!"

"Third?" Jinora says weakly.

"Yeah, third one. My eldest, Sougi, he's twelve and works with his father in our other shop, and my daughter Leiko is going to be six next month. She's really excited to be a big sister; she's talked nothing but that these past months. My husband and I are thinking that if this one's a girl we'll name her Kiyi and if it's a boy we'll name him Lee. But enough about me. Can I help you with something?"

"No thank you," Kai says. He's the only one with a working voice. "Thanks, though."

They have to leave the marketplace for an hour to recover because this woman has three children already and a happy, loving family and they're pirates and are always on the run and Raava help them they can't even have one child. Kai cries on Jinora's shoulder, and Jinora cries on his. Once they compose themselves, they decide to take their business to another jewelry stand, where Kai buys Jinora a new necklace and tries to ignore the engagement ring burning a hole in his pocket.

That night, when they're lying in bed together, Jinora whispers, "Do you ever wonder what Myuna would have looked like?"

Kai nods after a moment's pause. Jinora switches positions and rests her head on his shoulder. "Yeah," he answers, closing his eyes to picture her. Not a day goes by when he doesn't think of what could have been with Myuna. He'd spent most of yesterday wondering if she would have preferred to be a vegetarian like her mother or a meat-eater like her father. "She would have had your eyes."

"And your skin," Jinora adds, the corners of her mouth quirking upward into a small smile. "Maybe a few shades lighter. Like…like a coffee color."

"And your hair. Brown and short and choppy and curly." He grins suddenly, remembering how flabbergasted he'd been during the early days of the hostage situation (back when it had still been one) and Jinora had taken his sword and chopped off her long hair in favor of a short haircut, calling it more practical. His jaw had nearly fallen to his knees. "She would have liked to cut it with my sword. Like her mother."

She nudges him playfully. "She would've liked to read, I think. But she would have liked to sword fight more. Like her father."

"She would've been happy. Kind, of course, and stubborn, but she'd get that from both of us. But overall she'd be a great kid. And she would have been loved." Kai knows that they (him, Jinora and the crew) would have gone to the ends of the earth for Myuna had she been around to ask. "We would have loved her."

Jinora moves closer to him. It's so quiet in their room that they can hear the waves splashing up against the sides of the ship. "Yes," she finally replies. "We would have."

* * *

After another week and a half at sea, Kai decides that visiting Kida and the Ferreto brothers would be a good idea. Jinora agrees and Otaku is easily persuaded, so off they sail. They arrive in Jietou within three days and right after breakfast Kai and Jinora go straight to Bolin and Mako's stationary shop. It's just how he remembers it from under a year ago: a dirty brown-tiled roof, a smoky chimney, barred windows and the strong scent of ink and paper. He catches Jinora's eye and they both smile at each other, lost in memories.

He raises his hand, poised to knock, when suddenly the door opens and a blur rushes into him, pushing him a few steps back.

"Kai!" Kida gasps, pulling back after a few seconds. "Oh my Spirits, you're here! And Jinora, you're here too, hi! Oh my Spirits, come in, I'll get Mako and Bolin!" And with that, she pulls them by the sleeves of their shirts into the shop, shouting for Mako and Bolin to come downstairs. "I was counting inventory before we opened up shop," she explains to them, sitting down at the kitchen table after she hastily swipes away some boxes and papers so Kai and Jinora can sit down. "Then I saw you guys approaching through a window and I had to say hi. So, hi!" She giggles again. "Qilaq, Kuruk and Meishenme, it's so good to see you guys."

"It's really good to see you too, Kida," Kai says, smiling big enough to match Kida's grin as Mako and Bolin thunder down the stairs and meet them in the kitchen. There are hugs all around (Bolin's hug leaves Kai winded, honestly it's a miracle Kida hasn't broken her ribs from his hugs at this point) and Mako has the good sense to put on some tea. By the time the tea kettle whistles, they're all sitting around the table and beaming at each other.

As Kida talks to Jinora about everything that's happened to her, Kai takes a moment to look at the girl, to _really_ look at her. She's gotten a proper haircut—probably Mako's doing—and her skin is much clearer, less sallow. He can see that she's being well fed, that she trusts Mako and Bolin, and that she's happy, which is the most important thing. He feels a swell of pride rush up inside of him when he thinks of how far she's come.

"Not that we aren't happy to see you, but what brings you here?" Bolin finally asks, hands wrapped around a steaming mug of tea. "Had we known you were in town we would've cleaned up the place."

Jinora glances at Kai. "Well," she begins carefully, "I…we just needed to see some friends. You, I mean. Things haven't been so great."

If that's not the understatement of the century, Kai doesn't know what is. But he keeps his mouth shut.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Mako says quietly. "Anything I— _we_ —can do to help?"

Jinora shakes her head a second before Kai does. He takes his girlfriend's hand in his, pressing a kiss to it.

Kida shrugs. "Well…uh, as I was saying earlier, yesterday I went down to the city market for food and you won't believe what happened. Go on, guess!"

Jinora smiles at her. "I probably won't," she admits. "I'm not a very good guesser."

"Well, I ran into my friend Pava and he and I went exploring and we found an abandoned box of baby kittens."

"So she and Pava," Mako says wearily, as though the problems of the whole world rest personally on his shoulders, "decide to keep them."

"Not all of them!" Kida protests. "Mako let me keep one. Pava has another one. He named his Shen. I named mine Tikki. You'll probably see her around the shop, she likes it in there."

Bolin laughs then. "Alright Kida, now tell Kai and Jinora what you and Pava did to the other kittens."

Kida blushes. "It was Pava's idea—"

"And how many times have we heard that sentence?" Bolin asks Mako with a smirk. "Pava can persuade her to do anything."

Kida shoves his shoulder, and Bolin's affronted expression makes Kai laugh. "Shut up, no he can't. Besides, I was the one that said we shouldn't leave them abandoned and alone. It was his idea to do the thing that we did."

Kai's brows furrow, not sure where this story is going. "So then what did you do?"

"We sold them," Kida says slowly. "Uh, in the shop. Except then two of them got lost in the shop and me and Pava practically tore it open from the inside looking for the kittens and we found them but—"

"But then Bolin and I came downstairs," Mako says, "and we saw Pava and Kida, who were covered in dirt and were holding kittens and looked like they were afraid we were going to yell."

Kai raises an eyebrow. "And did you?"

"No. Mako was mad but he let Kida keep Tikki; Pava had to convince his parents to let him keep Shen," Bolin explains. Jinora's giggling and even Kai can't resist laughing, both of them thinking of Mako and Bolin's faces when they'd seen Kida and her friend holding kittens in their arms with the shop completely wrecked behind them. "Kida and Pava had to clean up the shop though."

"A fitting punishment," Mako says. "And she got to keep Tikki."

"And you've gotten attached to Tikki, Mako, don't lie," Kida jokes.

Kai can't help but smile again. The three of them have all clearly bonded with each other in the last eight months. They're like a family, as close and tight-knit as the crew.

A family like the one he and Jinora could have had.

His good mood evaporates like a candle in the wind as he starts thinking about Myuna again and tears start rising up inside of him and no, no, damn it, this can't be happening, he's not going to break down in front of Mako and Bolin and Kida.

He smiles at Kida, and he doesn't care if she can tell that it's forced. "Well, kiddo, I'm glad you're doing well over here," he says, reaching across the table to ruffle her hair. "You've definitely grown up in the last few months."

Kida smiles at him. "Thanks, Kai."

When they leave Mako and Bolin's shop at noon with two boxes of stationary and their ribs bruised from the force of Bolin and Kida's hugs, Jinora takes his hand in hers. "Are you alright?" she asks him with no preamble. "You seemed a bit strange for a moment in there."

What else can he do but lie? "I just zoned out," he tells her with a crooked smile. Jinora isn't stupid, she can tell when his smile is fake. It's a skill that only she and Yung share. "I promise I'm alright, love."

She looks like she's willing to debate him about that, but keeps her mouth shut. _Thank you, Spirits._ "If you're sure."

"I'm sure," he says.

(He hates to lie.)

* * *

Two nights later, Yung accompanies him outside after dinner is finished. At first, Kai thinks that he's there to have a smoke or something, but then he remembers that Yung hates to smoke. The first mate is either there to get some fresh air or talk to him, and Kai bets his life that it'll be the second option. "If you want to talk, Yung, then just talk," he says, looking out at the sky. The sun's set early tonight, he notices.

Yung doesn't hesitate to voice his opinion, as is his style. "You've been off these last few weeks. Jinora wanted me to come and talk to you."

"You're only here because Jinora sent you, then?" Kai doesn't know why, but he feels something akin to disappointment rising in his gut.

Unsurprisingly, Yung shakes his head. "No, kid. If Jinora hadn't said anything then I would have by now. You're starting to worry everyone, myself included. What's the matter?"

Kai shakes his head, moving away from the railing and plops down on the bench near the mast with a thud. "Nothing's the matter, Yung," he lies.

"That's bullshit," Yung replies promptly. Kai's not surprised. After more than fourteen years, Yung can tell when he's lying. He should really get some new techniques. "What's wrong? I know you, you wouldn't be acting like this unless something was really bothering you." Kai opens his mouth to tell Yung again nothing is wrong and maybe it'll sink in this time, but nothing comes out and he quickly turns away. Maybe if he ignores Yung then he'll leave, but Yung doesn't seem to get the picture. "Kai, you can talk to me, you know."

"What if I don't want to talk?"

Yung blinks, taken aback. "I'd recommend it, but you don't have to. It could make you feel better."

And that's it. He's had it. He's so fucking tired of people trying to pry him open because fuck this, isn't he allowed to have some privacy with his thoughts? Why does everyone care so much about what he's thinking? Why does Yung think that he can just convince Kai to talk about how it's his fault for creating the grey clouds hanging over the ship. How Jinora and his relationship is still strained because it's his fault and it's been nearly a month. Jinora may think that it's her fault because she'd been the one to carry Myuna, but it's not hers, it's his, and Kai will say that until the day he dies. It's all such fucking complicated shit and fine, yes, he's sick of carrying it around but he can't tell Jinora, she doesn't need to deal with more of his problems and idiosyncrasies.

"I'm not over losing the baby," he says. Yung can take from that what he wants.

Understanding dawns like a slowly rising sun. "You think it's your fault."

"Yes," he says. Everything feels numb.

Yung hesitates before asking, "Do you blame Jinora at all?"

"No!" Kai yells, and his throat _hurts_. It is the first thing in his body to hurt in a long time. "I don't blame her; it isn't her fault." The unspoken " _it's mine_ " goes unsaid, but it hangs in the air between them.

"Look at me, Kai." Kai looks up, unaware that he'd broken Yung's gaze at all. "It's not your fault."

Kai shrugs. "Yeah, I know." It comes out nonchalant but on the inside he's shaking. What is Yung playing at?

Yung doesn't give up. In fact he just moves closer to Kai on the bench. "It's not your fault."

Kai smiles now and stands up in attempt to get Yung away from him. This is making him way too uncomfortable. "I know, Yung."

Undeterred, Yung moves closer. "It's not your fault, Kai."

He stiffens, feeling defensive. He needs to get Yung away from him. "I _know,"_ he hisses, but tears start to come and he furiously wipes them aside. "I know—"

Yung remains patient, now a foot away from Kai. It's just them on the middle of the deck at night. No one else is around to see them. "It's not your fault," he says, low and genuine, and those words do Kai in. Kai collapses into Yung's arms, his knees nearly buckling as Yung just holds him like a child and keeps soothing him, whispering again and again that it isn't Kai's fault. "It's not your fault, it's not Jinora's fault, it's no one's fault," Yung says firmly, wiping Kai's tears away. Kai sniffles. "It's no one's fault. These things just happen."

"It's not my fault," Kai repeats unsteadily.

Yung nods, pulling back from their hug. "It's not your fault," he says. "And Jinora doesn't blame you either." Jinora. Oh Spirits, Jinora. Does she think that in his grief he blames her? He meets Yung's eyes, and his father figure nods. "Go talk to her, kid."

And off he runs.

* * *

He finds her in their room, reading a book whose title is blurry, and she looks up at him after a few moments, somewhat surprised. "Hi," she says cautiously. "How long have you been in here?"

"Just a second or two," he answers, sitting down on his side of the bed and pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Jin, I—uh, I wanted to talk to you."

She closes her book and sets it to the side, brushing her hair out of her face. He falls a little more in love with her just because of that. It's the little things she does that get him. "Are you okay?" she asks. "I—I've been worried about you, Kai."

"I know. Yung told me." He takes her hand, rubbing his thumb along her knuckles. "I—thanks for…sending him to talk to me. I really needed it." It's true, he had. Crying has never made him feel better, especially since at Gunthra's orphanage he was beaten for crying, but his crying session in Yung's arms had been therapeutic. "Jinora, I know I've been distant with you since…" Since her miscarriage. None of them can say it. "If you've felt like I've been like that because I thought it was your fault, I—I really don't think that, Jin. I never did, not even once. I've always blamed myself for it, but now I know that it's not my fault. And it's not yours either. It's no one's. Things just—happen."

She lets out a bark of pained laughter. "I know things just happen, Kai, it's just—I feel so Spirits-damned useless." A choked sob escapes her throat. "What kind of woman can't even keep a baby healthy in her own body?"

Kai feels as though pieces of his heart have been sliced off with a sword. "Jin, what did Longshot tell you? I know he talked to you about this."

She sniffles. "He said—he said it could have been anything. Diet, stress. But I haven't been that stressed out, Kai—what if I can never have children?"

"Jinora, listen to me." He needs to get this across to convince both of them. "These things happen. Just because you lost Myuna doesn't mean you can never have children. And even if, Raava forbid, you can't, that's okay. I'll still love you just like I do now."

"And I love you too," she answers, as easy as breathing. Her voice is still shaking and she wipes a few tears out of her eyes. "Kai, I just—I don't want you to be unhappy because we can't have a family."

"We have each other," Kai answers. "And trust me when I say that as long as I'm with you, I could never be unhappy—children or no children. I love you." The ring burns in his pocket, and he thinks that this is it, if he doesn't propose now then he'll never get the courage to do it. "I, uh, I was talking to Lefty awhile back," he says quietly. "About certain—certain pirate ceremonies."

Jinora looks interested now rather than sad. "Oh? Like what?"

"Like…like weddings." He can see the comprehension dawning on her face, along with surprise. "It wouldn't be official in the eyes of the law, but it would be recognized by pirates everywhere and…" He pauses. "I know I've already said it like five seconds ago, but as long as I'm with you I could never be unhappy. I don't care if we can't have children; that won't change my love for you. And I want to be with you in every way I can be because I owe and want you that much. I mean, if you'll agree, of course, but—" He takes a deep breath and slides off the bed, gets down on one knee and pulls the ring out of his pocket. It's a simple silver band with a circular white stone embedded in it, and on the inside of the band rests an engraved anchor symbol. "Will you marry me?"

It takes several loud heartbeats for her to answer. He watches her expression change from shock to understanding to joy. Her hands fly to cover her mouth and tears flood her eyes. "Yes," she answers with a smile bright enough to power Port Bosco for two months. "Yes, Kai, I'll marry you."

"Thank the Spirits," slips out of his mouth, and the next thing he knows she throws her arms around him and kisses him full on the mouth. She pulls away after a moment, and he's pretty sure that the giddy look in her eyes reflects his inner feelings. A crooked smile blossoms on his lips as he looks at the woman that has agreed to be his wife.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

It gets easier from there.

The crew celebrates once Kai and Jinora announce their engagement by holding another music night. The night ends with most of the crew completely drunk, Yung sharing embarrassing stories about Kai during his teenage years and Lefty attempting to use the mast as a stripper pole, something that he could have lived his whole life without seeing again. Pabu takes lots of pictures for Jinora's sake; she always wants to remember this evening. And he does too, even if some of the pictures depict him wrestling Yung in an effort to get him to shut up.

Days pass, weeks and months soon do too. They trade with other pirates and avoid the APA. Yung nearly gets stabbed by Long Feng again and Kai nearly takes out the captain's other eye. It's routine, or as routine as life can be on a pirate ship. Tyyo's birthday comes and passes, and they make plans to see Pabu's sister get married in the Fire Nation this summer.

But when Jinora wakes up one morning and vomits in the bucket, Kai feels a prickle of fear go up and down her spine. It would be easy just to dismiss this as a freak bout of nausea, but Kai knows better. He'd seen Jinora deal with morning sickness when she'd been pregnant with Myuna. Could she be pregnant again?

It's possible, but the prospect is also terrifying.

Eventually they both decide to go to Longshot, who swears up and down that he won't tell anyone about this. He takes a urine sample from Jinora just as he had several months ago, and this time when he mixes it into the sea witch's concoction, it doesn't turn gold, it turns silver.

Unsure of what that means, Kai sends a questioning look toward Longshot. "Well?" he asks. "What does it mean?"

Both he and Jinora expect the medic's answer, but it's still shocking when he says, "She's pregnant."

* * *

Jinora's still early enough in her pregnancy that miscarriage is a likely possibility, but this time they decide to tell the crew, who take it very well. Momo in particular reacts to this news by kissing Pabu full on the mouth, which causes the redhead to flush the color of his hair and Momo to bury his face in his hands. Yung congratulates them both, telling them to take it easy, which the rest of the crew echo, especially Longshot. "I don't know what happened last time," he warns, "but I don't want you to be stressed out, Jinora. We're going to make sure that you eat healthy and get enough rest and exercise. I also want you and Kai to see me weekly—I'll have to send a messenger hawk to one of my friends, Mireya's an obstetrician and she knows this stuff better than me, but if she sends me a book or two then I'll be able to help you more from a medical standpoint, especially when you go into labor, Jinora."

Privately, Kai thinks that this is the longest sentence Longshot has ever said in front of them, but he doesn't say that out loud. Instead, he thanks the medic and both he and Jinora promise to stick to the weekly meetings to the best of their ability.

Jinora looks more nervous than happy about the news, and Kai asks why. His suspicions are confirmed when she tells him that she's afraid what had happened to Myuna will happen again to their new baby.

"It won't," Kai promises. "What happened to Myuna was an accident. I know that this one will be the one, Jinora." He moves onto the floor and kneels in front of Jinora's stomach. It's still flat, no sign of a baby bump yet, but that's to be expected seeing as she's only about a month along. It scares him a little that a life he and Jinora created is growing in there, and he whispers to her stomach, "Hi baby, we love you."

Jinora grins down at him. "How you ever got a reputation as anything other than a softy is beyond me."

"I'm plenty tough, Gyatso," he answers, their banter coming to him as easy as breathing.

"Of course you are, Captain," she says, humoring him.

* * *

("Why are we arguing about this?"

"Because you are treating me like I can't do anything and—"

"For Raava's sake, Jinora, I was just going to get you some water—"

"I am three months pregnant, I'm not an invalid and I can still use my legs, so sit down and I'll—"

"Longshot says you shouldn't overexert yourself—"

"It is a _glass of water_ , Kai, not a fifty pound box—"

Watching them go at it, Yung comments to Lefty, "I haven't heard them argue this much since their relationship was still a hostage deal."

"Thank the Spirits you said that," Lefty says with tangible relief in his voice. "I thought I was stuck in an endless wave of déjà vu.")

* * *

Once Kai realizes that pregnancy doesn't impede Jinora from doing small things, such as reaching for food or getting her own water or helping Daw cook, their relationship improves. Soon, Jinora is five months pregnant, they're out of the miscarriage zone, and Kai's so happy that he could honestly skip the length of the ship if he had the time. She hasn't been bleeding and she hasn't been having cramps. Tenzin and her family know about the baby; they'd met up about two weeks back to discuss Jinora's pregnancy as well as meet up with Pfannee Wen, Jinora's friend from secondary school. Kai can't help but like Pfannee within a few moments of meeting her, especially when she teaches Jinora and Kai a few things about raising a baby when the time comes. She also teaches Jinora a special breathing technique only to be used in labor. Jinora practices it twice a week and the crew has taken to practicing it with her so she won't feel alone.

During Jinora's sixth month of pregnancy, the Dai Li raid their ship without any warning, and Kai barely has enough time to get Jinora below decks (with Imaru and Appa for protection) before engaging in a sword fight with Long Feng, who has an eye patch now. Just watching him squint during their fight fills Kai with a sense of immense satisfaction, as does watching Daw hit Long Feng's first mate with a frying pan. After making sure that Long Feng is incapacitated, he goes to help Momo fight off five pirates at once, but then Momo gets overtaken when one of the other pirates trips him. Kai fights like a madman, trying to get the kid safely out of there because not only will Appa kill him if Momo dies, but Kai will never forgive himself. Three men are dead on the ground by the time Kai gets to Momo, and Momo throws his arms around Kai in gratitude. "Thanks, Cap."

"We're a crew, we look out for each other," Kai replies with a shrug. "Besides, I owe you one. You got him," him referring to one of the dead men, "when he tried to stab me in the side."

Momo grins at him. "Yeah, I guess." Then his eyes widen in shock and his mouth opens, presumably to tell Kai something, and Kai whirls around to see Jinora stabbing a Dai Li pirate with her sword. He had been an inch away from Kai, and if Jinora hadn't have been there, he might have been hurt. Still, that's no excuse because she is supposed to be below decks and safe with Appa and Imaru, damn it! Why had they let her out of their sights?

After the Dai Li slink back over to their ship, hefting their unconscious captain, Kai demands to know why Jinora is up on deck. Appa's explanation is meek. "We came to see if the fighting was over and Jinora insisted on coming with us. She said she wouldn't fight, she just wanted to see what was going on."

Kai nods before turning to Jinora. "Jin, you saved my life today, and I really appreciate that, but we made a deal that you would be below decks during raids."

Jinora just looks angry now. "And I told you that I wasn't going to be able to just sit around and fight while the rest of the crew—"

"The rest of the crew isn't pregnant," he says, trying to keep his cool. "You are, which means that we have to figure something out for you so you won't get hurt."

"I'm capable of defending myself perfectly well, Captain—"

"I know!" he snaps, and she flinches slightly. "I know," he says, calmer now. "Jin, please. This isn't about me doubting your fighting ability—hell, I think you're almost as good as me by now. It's about the baby. Even a tiny bruise in the wrong place could be really bad and we both know it."

He realizes it's unfair that he's playing that card, and he also knows that under any other circumstances she'd call him out for it. The reason she isn't is because he's right. "Fine," she says. "I'll try to stay below decks. But if I hear that you guys have bitten off more than you can chew, I'll come up and fight one way or another."

He knows compromises when he sees them, and he's grateful for one. "Deal."

* * *

Kai is partially asleep when he feels Jinora's hand on his arm and instantly startles, ready for a fight. "What's going on?" he asks in a hushed voice. It comes out all slurred like he's drunk.

Jinora laughs. "I just thought you'd want to feel the baby kick."

Now he's wide awake. "Really?"

In answer, Jinora takes his hand in hers and presses it to her stomach. He waits three seconds and—yes, there it is. A tiny kick. He grins from ear to ear as their baby does it again. "It kicks in a pattern, look," he says excitedly. "One, two, three, kick. One, two, three, kick. That's so awesome, I didn't think that babies could do that."

"I didn't either," Jinora says, smiling softly down at her stomach. "Our kid's probably going to be an athlete or a dancer based on these kicks."

Laughing, Kai kisses her stomach gently before leaning up to kiss her lips slowly next. "You know I love you, right?"

"You may have mentioned it from time to time," she quips before he growls playfully and kisses her again. "Down, Captain. I love you too."

* * *

Jinora goes into labor exactly two months later when they're docked in a port near Tong Gong. Kai's probably more terrified than she is, but Longshot's clearly more frightened than everyone in the room, which consists of Kai and Jinora. He keeps paging through the books his friend Mireya had lent him and ponders out loud whether it would be wise to give Jinora anesthesia. In the end, Jinora goes without it because no one wants to risk anything.

The labor is long, unlike the one that Kai had seen on the streets. It's also incredibly painful, judging by Jinora's red face and sweaty forehead and the constant swears she shouts in his direction. (Those are actually somewhat funny to listen to; he's heard curses in every language he knows and some that he doesn't even recognize.) She hangs onto his hand tight enough to leave bruises—it'll be awhile before he can hold a sword comfortably—but he doesn't complain, he just tells her again and again that it'll be over soon and that she's doing great.

Eventually, with one final push and strangled yell, the baby finally comes out. Longshot gives a pair of sterile scissors to Kai so he can cut the umbilical cord. He does it gently, not wanting to hurt Jinora or the baby. Jinora finally relaxes once the afterbirth (something that only takes a few minutes) is completed, and so does he.

Kai wipes the sweat off Jinora's forehead with a moist towel and grins at her. "Hey," he says. "You did it."

"I did," she echoes. A slow smile spreads across her face. "We're parents, Kai."

"Yeah, Jin, we're parents."

Then her brows furrow when she looks down, like she's just now realizing she doesn't have a baby in her arms. "Where's the baby, Kai?"

Longshot's voice sounds from the opposite end of the room. "She's right here, Jinora, I'm just getting her cleaned up a bit."

"…her?" With Kai's help, Jinora sits up on the bed. "It's a girl?"

"It's a girl, Jin," Kai says, grinning. "Hey Longshot, can we see her now?"

As the mother, Jinora gets to hold her first, which is fine with Kai because he's content right now to just sit and watch. Their baby is clean now, her eyes are swollen and squeezed shut, she's wailing, and her face is wrinkled, but it's really their baby. He can see pieces of both Jinora and himself in their child—the baby has his skin, the small puff of hair on her head is dark, Jinora's nose and Jinora's small ears. The baby opens her eyes and Kai notices that they are green, just like his.

"Hi, baby," Jinora whispers, just softly enough for the baby and Kai to hear. The baby is still crying, but it mostly fades to hiccoughs as Jinora cradles her in her arms. "Thanks for finally coming out of me."

Longshot places a hand on Jinora's shoulder. "Congratulations, you two," he says warmly. "Do you have a name yet?"

"I think so," Kai says. "Number one on our list?"

"Number one works for me," Jinora answers after a moment of consideration. "Her name is Nima."

The baby snuffles in Jinora's arms, and both of them laugh. "I guess Nima likes that," he says.

 _Myuna may not have been given the chance to live_ , Kai thinks, _but Nima has, and I will do anything I can to protect her._

"Kai?" He looks over at Jinora questioningly. "Do you want to hold her?"

Kai just blinks because can he? Should he? Does he deserve to? Nima's so fragile and he's so big and if he drops her—

But before he can do anything, Nima is being placed into his arms. She's wrapped in a soft pink blanket that Imaru had knit just for them. He can't help but become transfixed watching Nima's chest rise and fall and listening to the little puffs of air when she exhales. It feels impossible that this perfect, tiny person can exist right now.

Looking between Jinora and Nima, Kai thinks that he has done nothing to deserve this. To be this happy.

Before his thoughts can go any further, Nima's eyes blink open slowly and she looks right at him, her green eyes on his green eyes.

Kai freezes. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do now. What if she starts crying or something, then what is he going to do? He's scared shitless to make a move of any kind because it will probably end up being the wrong one.

Nima blinks up at him.

His heart is pounding like he has just run ten miles without stopping for a drink or a break. If it gets any louder, he's pretty sure Jinora and Longshot will be able to hear it. He swallows audibly and carefully brushes his finger against her tiny, tiny cheek. "Hi, Nima," he whispers. "I'm your daddy and I'm going to take care of you forever."

Nima breathes in, then out. She closes her eyes and falls back asleep.

His heart feels like it is about to burst from joy.

(Eventually, the rest of the crew will enter the room and coo over baby Nima. The crew will be so happy to be Nima's uncles, to be a part of the girl's life as she grows up on the _Waterbender_. Pabu and Momo will present her with two dolls they'd made. Daw promises to make her lots of dessert as soon as she can eat it. Imaru and Appa cry and don't try to hide it. Lefty will present her with a music box that he'd bought in En-An the last time they were there. Yung will cry over his granddaughter and he'll tell Kai and Jinora that they've done a good job, that he's proud of them. Everyone will be happy.)

But for now, he holds Nima and he's happy. The happiest father that can be.


End file.
